This weekend my best friend in the whole world, Isabel De Los Rios, author of The Diet Solution, had her baby shower. It was actually the first baby shower that I’ve ever attended that I actually had a great time at. Normally baby showers are the bane of every single (and probably married and divorced) woman’s existence, for reasons I will discuss. But three things made this shower absolutely phenomenal:

1. It was co-ed.

2. She ordered all organic grass-fed meat from www.grasslandbeef.com and had an outdoor barbecue. All of the other food was prepared by the family as well.

3. I was not related to anyone there and most were of a different culture/religion. This always adds to the quaintness of a function.

Let me explain.

I have to say I absolutely loved having men at this baby shower. It totally cut down on all of the diaper-talk that plagues us single women at baby showers. We do not want to hear about your episiotomy gone wrong, your lactation problems, diaper genies, your sex life or lack thereof, your kids’ classes/teachers, what you didn’t get from your registry or anything else like that. Vomit! Please leave us in our ignorance so we can finish lunch, much less actually have the desire to ever have sex ever again. So what do we single gals foolishly do in retalliation? We embellish stories about our fabulous single lives, the oodles of men that are trying to get our attention, how much we love our independence, our sleep, our flat stomachs and selfishly spending all of our money on ourselves. You come back with a video on your Iphone of the first time your kid said “mama”. We get you right back with video footage from Spring Break in Jamaica.

How did this cold war between single women and women with children begin? Why do we each feel the need to validate where we are in our lives, even to the point of invalidating the other. I can’t say I’m totally above this either as I sometimes hear myself making jokes about breastfeeding when I’m 45 or justifying why I’m single. And part of me is really happy with my life, and part of me wants what you have and you know it. And as I hear you talk about your fabulous married life and your fabulous registry and your fabulous house I can’t help but think, “please honey, I happen to know that everything is most certainly not that fabulous and perfect in your life.” And part of you is really happy with where you are, but part of you wants the freedom I have and I know it.

Can we just agree that when it comes to marriage, the grass really is always greener on the other side? It would help us all to appreciate the positive aspects of our current relationship situation, because there are always positives. Can we all agree that as women we are valuable, and lovable and beautiful, and we don’t need men, rings, babies and registries to prove that most basic fact to ourselves? Can we all agree that sensitivity and compassion for our fellow women should be first and foremost at showers where you don’t know what the woman sitting next to you has been through or is going through, and your kindness may very well have the ability to lift her up?

However, if your family and friends will not comply, invite men. The presence of men cuts down on the catty nonsense big time. When I have a baby shower, I’m going to invite as many men as I can.

Secondly, this baby shower was mostly organic. Hurray! A party that I can finally enjoy the food at. I can’t tell you how comforting it is to eat a BBQ burger and know that the cow was not abused or mistreated, that I am not eating bovine growth hormone, bovine antibiotics, or fecal residue, and that the cow was allowed to walk around and eat grass and enjoy a normal cow life. Hallelujah I can eat my meat in peace. Isabel had burgers, hot dogs, chicken and pulled pork all from www.grasslandbeef.com. And that meat tasted good. When you are used to eating organic meat, it is always such a bummer to go to a party and eat tasteless farmed salmon, or conventional chicken or steak. And there was salad, cut up veggies, corn on the cob and watermelon. There was also junk food for the guests that wanted it, but the point is I didn’t have to stray from my gluten-free diet of organic protein, veggies and fruit to enjoy this BBQ baby shower. I love that. And it was not prohibitively expensive and no outside labor was hired.

When I have a baby shower, I may just have to do the organic BBQ version. I definitely will feel a lot better about serving my family and friends non-toxic and cruelty-free food.

And lastly, how nice is it to go to a family function when it’s not your family? And even better when it’s a totally different culture. The pressure is off and you can just enjoy. You know it’s true. I know pretty much all families put the same unnecessary standards on their single daughters. But somehow when it’s my black, hispanic, Wasp, or Asian friends’ families, it’s not as soul-invalidating as when it’s my family desperately hounding me to put pictures of myself in a G-string on JDate. (Don’t get me wrong, I very much believe in the value of Internet Dating as a tool to meet great people. We all know tons of people who have met their mate on the Internet. I just don’t believe in being forceful about it). For some reason, when Isabel’s Jesus-loving sister in law told me that she would pray for me to find a boyfriend, I found it endearing and empowering. I felt as though she saw me as a beautiful, valuable person who just has not met the right person yet. Maybe this is because I didn’t grow up with Christianity and Jesus, so I have no negative attachments that would prevent my receiving of her prayer as anything but sincere and fortuitous. Or maybe it’s because she hardly knows me and does not experience my single status as fearful, or a failure on her behalf as a relative.

I usually experience gatherings with my own family as much more invasive (don’t we all ladies?). Every Passover as the oldest unmarried daughter there is a part in the seder when I have to pray for a husband which makes me feel like a defective and rambunctious man-repeller (and what’s up with this tradition? As all the unmarried female Jews were leaving 500 years of bondage in Egypt were they really so concerned with finding a husband?). I can actually feel the desperation in my relatives as I carry the plate into the kitchen for said prayer, and every chance they see me they ask for status updates. My cousins all tell me I’m pretty good about shutting down the inappropriate pestering, but it doesn’t actually make me feel better.

In the same way, I have lots of non-Jewish friends who totally romanticize their invitations to Passover seders, saying how beautiful the Jewish traditions are and how cute their Saturday Night Live Linda Richman-esque host is. And I agree the Jewish traditions are beautiful and Jewish mothers are extremely hilarious, but it’s easy for you to enjoy our traditions and our family because for you they are not overwhelmingly loaded with unrealistic expectations of meeting your life partner at some arbitrary perfect age and living happily ever after. If you are female, single and over 30, I know your family (whatever culture they are) does the same thing to you (unless your parents are Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer or Marianne Williamson).

So I’m guessing I’ll probably be related to many people at my baby shower and many will be from my culture (although I’m vying the best I can for the dissimilar in-laws which will surely up the entertainment factor!). But in the meantime, I am thrilled to celebrate the arrival of your baby. Just please don’t:

-tell me about the complications of pregnancy while we’re eating

-poison me

-ever mention the words “biological clock” EVER! Especially if you are related to me.

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